Conflicting views between Clifton Forge’s local law enforcement branches and the HSI

Following our last publication, our reporter was invited to sit down for a chat with Sheriff Max Holden in his office in Clifton Forge regarding the raid of the Tavola Calda some weeks ago. There seems to be a storm brewing between the different law enforcement agencies at work within our fair town, and in this edition of the Telegraph, we are taking a closer look at the issue, as seen from the local Sheriff’s department’s point of view.

Sheriff Holden, who is a happily engaged family man and proud father of a newborn son, is clear to point out from the very beginning of our interview that he is wanting to set the record straight in regards to the raid on the Tavola, as well as the rather sharp criticism his department, as well as the CFPD received from Special Agent Smith in our previous interview with him. He tells us that he considers it “ sad times we’re in when federal agents are throwing local officials under the bus and then using that as a platform to further their careers.” The Sheriff also seems to be questioning the entirety of Agent Smith’s motive, and there is room to speculate whether perhaps the HSI Special Agent is just trying to use our town for his own advancement on the political ladder.

The Sheriff claims, that Special Agent Smith, who was awarded a medal from the President only recently prior to moving to Clifton Forge, for taking down a human trafficking ring in Chicago, had made no attempts to contact his office or arrange any sort of joint operation before the raid. He states that he was not made aware of the agent’s presence in town by other means but by a chance encounter when a civilian, who happens to be an acquaintance to the sheriff himself, was called in for backup by Agent Smith when Sheriff Holden was present. He also states that if this had not been the case, and no contact had been made whatsoever, there was no telling how many dead bodies there would have been as a result.

Sheriff Holden goes on to explain that “I would like to say that I am shocked, but…whether it is HSI or just Agent Smith, from my own experience, civilian lives are just not as important as making the arrest, which is completely backwards from the oath I took.” And as one of those civilians who were present at the scene, and narrowly avoided ending up in the line of fire by escaping into someone’s private garden, our reporter wonders just how worried one needs to be about setting foot on the street with these forces on the move throughout town.

Throughout the interview, it becomes more and more clear that there has been a considerable lack in communication between the different departments and agencies, at least according to our sheriff, who besides our quaint little town is in charge of the department’s operations in our 400 square miles county. Throughout the seemingly insubstantial contact that has been conducted, Holden claims that Smith “never once mentioned he was investigating anyone in town, or that he was planning a raid on any local business” and furthermore adds that the first time he heard of the raid at all was when reading about it in the Telegraph.

He goes on to wonder whether in fact the federal agent is entirely aware of the nature of our town, how it as a community operates, and whether he has understood that the sheriff’s attention is also required outside of city limits, especially since the population boom has led to the forming of the CFPD. He lets us know that when he joined the department, they were the sole operating force, and there was very little crime in the area with no dead bodies to speak of besides those that can be attributed to wild animal attacks. But with the recent increase in population, and the rise in crime that has come with it, the picture is rather different. So different, in fact, that Sheriff Holden, who had planned to resign in order to spend more time with his young family, does not feel able to do so. He tells us his “plans have been put on hold until he knows that this community is safe” and that “I will always do my best to protect those in my charge, even if it is against others who took the same oath I did. I live here in Clifton Forge, with my fiance and we have a newborn son. I am deeply entrenched in this community, unlike these federal agents[…]This is my home.”

To end our interview with Sheriff Holden, he wants to make it clear that he doesn’t know that big crime has in fact arrived in Clifton Forge, as Agent Smith Claims, but that the spike in recent crime can be put down to growing pains from an increased population. Furthermore, he believes the solution to the situation is better cooperation between branches of law enforcement, and he himself intends to try and reopen, as well as strengthen the lines of communication between his own department and the CFPD, to unify them in protecting the town and its residents.

Last but not least he has this parting statement for our readers:

“I urge the citizens of Clifton Forge to not fall into the trap of fear mongers, and remind them that they are our number one resource in fighting any crime in our city. As a community we can make our city safer, cleaner, happier[…] We just have to work together and that starts with them. If you see something, say something.”

Article by
Caspian Douglas

The Madman of Bunnyman Lore

1904, buses were transporting inmates from a recently closed asylum prison in Clifton to a new facility. However, this trip would be anything but smooth as they passed through Fairfax when one bus overturned, killing most of it’s passengers instantly.

However, 10 escaped.

All but two of those escapees were rounded up. The two that were never recovered were Douglas J. Grifon and Marcus Wallster.

And thus began over a century of stories that have both marred and intrigued people in and around the Clifton and Fairfax areas.

Several versions of this teeming folklore have surfaced. Some say that there’s been a man that dresses up in a human sized bunny suit and harasses people who park on the side of the road near the Bunnyman Bridge, calling them trespassers and threatening them with hatchets, chainsaws and axes. Some say that one off the escapees lives in the forest there, mutilating and living off bunny kills, hanging their remains in the trees and looking to avenge his murdered wife and children. A man who, when provoked by thrill seekers or taunting teenagers, will kill and hang the bodies off the bridge.

These stories have garnered the area a reputation. One that has been featured in various newspapers, on a variety of television shows and in many, many web sites featuring tall tales.

Mixed reports find an alarming amount of horrific murders in the area. Many are linked to a variety of Bunnyman stories.

This reporter can not help but wonder if this isn’t a situation where one lore is made up of a frenzy of terror in one area.

Reviews from Movieland

It’s that time of the week again. The day where I reflect on all of the cinematic joy that’s graced my screen. And some not so joyful.

This week, I have a couple of flicks that I’d love to tell you all about!

First, let’s talk romance.

The Choice

Nicholas Sparks is well known for his books. But he’s almost more known for their adaptation to film. And this one delivers better than most.

At first, our main characters don’t like each other. She’s moved into the lake house next door in order to study and focus on her career. He has a fun loving group of friends and family that visit often and love to enjoy life on the lake. Two lifestyles that clash despite their instant attraction for one another.

As he says throughout the movie, “You both me.”

Her sentiment of him? Well, she has a few more choice words. As does her fiance.

But when the universe continues to bring these two together, their attraction becomes undeniable.

This movie shows you that, in life, we face so many choices. Some more difficult than others. And some are life or death.

Now, for the action.

Timeline

With a cast like Gerard Butler, Billy Connolly, Paul Walker, Frances O’Connor, Anna Friel, Michael Sheen and Ethan Embry, you can almost excuse the casting oopsie of Neil McDonough in this high stakes time travel, action flick.

An archaeologist finds himself teamed up with a group of scientists, working on a secret project. But when that project ends up being the accidental discovery of time travel, things get all too real for the group as they’re sent back to retrieve one of their own.

Admittedly, there’s some lackluster fight scenes and a few weak and missing plot line points. But this movie is entertaining and lively. The race to get them all back before their time is up keeps the action going as they fumble their way through 12th century France in the middle of a war.

Ask Sunday

Welcome back readers! And happy middle of June! I’m excited to come back to my desk to find some great little insights into the issues that plague our beautiful little town. Ones you’ve graciously… or needyly… have brought to me, seeking answers and advice.

►Want to seek advice from Ask Sunday? Contact Faeryn Murphy (TheresaHerondale)◄

So… shall we?

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Dear Ask Sunday,
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My boyfriend likes to dress up in a very realistic wolf costume and run around our lawn at night. He refuses to respond to me when he’s in that costume, just barks, growls and howls. It bothers me and makes me feel like maybe he needs help. What should I do?
Signed,
Reluctant Zoo Keeper
~~~{Your reply}~~~
Dear Reluctant Zoo Keeper,
Well, we all have our little fetishes, huh? Just how realistic is this costume? And if it’s truly realistic, what are they doing? A comic con or something? Cosplay of some sort? There’s talk about a comic con coming to Virginia, I’m sure. Maybe talk to them about joining. It’s possible that even bringing it up while they’re wearing it might break character enough for them to talk to you in the future as well. If not, contact the Clifton Forge clinic and see if they’ve opened that psych ward up yet. He might be in need of some therapy.
❥Ask Sunday

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Dear Ask Sunday,
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I really like this woman I keep seeing around town. I’m just not quite sure how to approach her about it. Sometimes we chat, and when we do, she seems interested, but it never goes beyond chatting. I even got her number while talking innocently about a new business opening up. Should I just skip the formalities and send her a dick pic?
Signed,
Snaps
~~~{Your Reply}~~~
Dear Snaps,
I am refraining from laughing. Okay… to be honest? I’m laughing. Pardon me here, but are you serious? Or are you too young to be writing in to me? In other words? No. Do not send a dick pic. You could approach her like a normal person and just ask her out. But if your mind goes to dick pic first, you might want to just leave her be and maybe read some articles on how to be smooth with women.
❥Ask Sunday

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Dear Ask Sunday,
╚══════════.✍ .═╝
Things have been a little bit slow moving in the bathroom department of our house this last week, it’s been getting very backed up and painful. My boyfriend told me that the best cure for this was anal sex, after a lot of discussion he finally talked me into giving it a go, things were getting pretty desperate so it was worth a try. We got naked and I got on all fours, thankfully remembered the golden rule about lube, it was tight and uncomfortable and after he was done I felt pretty raw and it’s been sore to sit down. He text me this morning and asked if we can try it again because he is still constipated! What should I do?
Yours,
Stretched and Raw
~~~{Your reply}~~~
Dear Stretched and Raw,
Constipation can be one of those problems that stops you in your tracks. Literally…. stopping your tracks. Okay, okay… moving on. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is trying to grasp at anything and everything to get things moving again. I bet he’s been speaking to that crazy haired, smells like patchouli, pretty sure they did far too much acid fairly recently kind of person who is always ready to spout out cures and treatments faster than the quack you paid through the nose for just to find out you simply needed some Cortisol cream to help that rash you had on your butt the week before. I say try it again… once. If he’s not breaking free by then? Tell him to stop hanging out at Whole Paychecks and read a medical journal.
❥Ask Sunday

Toppings

Something just about 98% of the people out there can get behind? Food is wonderful… amazing… even life sustaining. Yes, we need it to live, but we also, in just about every culture, find great pleasure in eating. But… there’s also finding GREAT pleasure in our food… or rather, having our food help us achieving the greatest pleasure… sex.

We all know the traditional concepts of licking your partner up and down, kissing their tender spots and even smelling them heightens arousal. But adding in things like flavored dust, honey or whipped cream? Wow! Right?

But… there’s some tips… yes, including some healthy and safety ones… I’d like to share with you to help you with ideas, some new concepts as well as maybe even save you from a bit of after effects that might not be wanted.

  1. Keep it sweet and light….

Whether using food on the tongue or body (more on this later) food foreplay is an appetizer, but sex is the meal. So hold the savory and spicy (which can burn skin or eyes), and stick to sweets for your sweet.

If you’re into healthier sweets, try pieces of fresh seasonal fruit, like cherries, strawberries or mango slices. If you’re more of a candy craver, play with ice cream toppings, like caramel sauce or marshmallow creme. Or go crazy and combine the two! You can gently hand feed each other or use each other’s bodies as plates.

Just remember that a little goes a long way. Eating too much before getting intimate will only make you and your partner feel sluggish, give you a sugar crash later, and may even lead to motion sickness. Besides, if your partner’s hungry enough to ask for seconds, you two should probably eat lunch first.

  1. Keep food away from your private parts.

Private parts and food don’t mix for various reasons, including possible infections, skin irritation, and let’s be real, sticky pubic hair. If you’re using plain ice, feel free to explore all over. Otherwise, the safest way to stimulate your partner is to keep all the food action above the waist. But don’t worry: there are plenty of erogenous safe zones.

  1. Engage all your senses.

Bringing food into the bedroom engages the senses and we don’t just mean taste. Use foods that smell and feel good on bare skin. (Sorry, stinky cheese lovers. Save that for a real meal!) To keep things hot, try foods you can heat up, like chocolate or honey. Or you can go the opposite direction with popsicles, frozen grapes, or just plain ice.

Play around with these items, hot and cold alike, running them over sensitive zones like the neck, earlobes, nipples, and lips. At the same time, don’t forget to use your hands to stroke, caress, and massage your partner, especially below the waist, where food is off-limits.

  1. Get creative with your mouth.

Good oral sex is about varying the amount of pressure and speed with your tongue and mouth. Good foodplay works the same way. Instead of simply licking food off part of your partner’s body, try sucking cream off his finger or gently nibbling honey off his body. (Yes, getting toothy’s okay, as long as your partner likes it.) Or start with simple lip touches and work your way toward completely enveloping skin in your warm mouth.

  1. Come prepared.

You wouldn’t go to a picnic without napkins, but you wouldn’t take your 10,000 thread count sheets either. So don’t forget to pack some appropriate gear for your naked picnic.

Lay down towels or sheets that you don’t mind getting dirty. Bring napkins or even baby wipes for clean-up. Using tools, like a drizzle bottle for chocolate and honey, can make foodplay a little tidier and keep your hands clean. Ideally, licking fingers (or other parts) clean will suffice before you get busy. And don’t forget to keep the usual sexy stuff nearby — condoms, lube, and any toys.

  1. Have fun.

“Play” is a key component of “foreplay.” Be creative in the way you use food during sex with your partner. Tease each other with little bites. Dribble honey onto each other and slowly lick it off. Share a lollipop. Make a whipped cream bikini with cherry nipples on top a la Varsity Blues and make him beg for a taste. And don’t be afraid to laugh at each other. You might be surprised at how something that starts off silly can end up sexy.

  1. Clean each other off afterward.

You set the table and devoured your partner. Now don’t forget to wash up! Gather any plates, utensils, leftovers and food-splattered clothing or bedding, so you don’t have a big mess to worry about later. Then hit the shower and help your partner clean those hard-to-reach spots.

Great advice? no? Thanks Your Tango for that! BUT… how about some creative items to suggest that just might dive you in a bit deeper?

Very Naughty Things to Do With Candy…
Turn a candy necklace into an edible garter. Wear it underneath a skirt or dress, give your guy a sneak peek while you’re out, then have him eat it off you slowly when you get home.

Melted Chocolate…
Warm up a chocolate bar in the microwave for 15 seconds or until it’s gooey around the edges but not totally melted. Stand in the tub without the water on or on top of an old sheet and have him use the bar to draw a trail down your body. Ask him to lick it up without lifting his tongue off of your skin.

Sex Syrup…
Pour on the lovin’ with tasty sex syrups, made by various companies. Just like your pancake syrup, these add sweetness to every taste, and many come in snap-closed containers for freshness. By many, consider lickable massage oils, they are non-sticky, non-staining, and very delicious!

Candies….
Take some of your favorite candies and lay your partner out, naked, positioned in a sexy position on the bed. You can use one kind of candy or various. Place them in trails that cover the length of their body. Then… tell them they can’t move as you lick and kiss the candies up, and they aren’t allowed to respond until you’re finished.

Now… go and get creative. Add a bit of sweet and savory to your sex!

*Thank you Your Tango for your bits of advice! Credited: https://www.yourtango.com/2013181036/food-foreplay-101-7-tips-using-food-bedroom

The Lonely Dove

The Lonely Dove is a new drinking establishment that opened its doors only a little over a week ago. It is run by Mrs. Murphy Daughtery, who tells our reporter she wanted to make Clifton Forge feel more like home, and that it has always been a dream of hers to open up a pub. Charmingly, she continues to tell us the story of how she went on a vacation, ready for a new life and fell in love with her new husband, Light Daughtery, and Clifton Forge, all at once. The couple originally met in Louisiana, but shortly after their marriage they were drawn to this quaint little town in Virginia, where, according to Mrs. Daughtery, nature was just calling out to them.

To celebrate her long time wish and honour her childhood memories of her father’s favourite pub back in Ireland, which also was the inspiration behind her own name, Mrs. Daughtery’s Lonely Dove Pub has a rustic, traditional feel to it, and offers both traditional Irish beverages as well as beer from local breweries. Tuesdays offer live singing by a young lady named Rajani and Thursdays are open mic night for any one who wants to sing. The opening night even had a karaoke theme, which we are being told might make a return by public demand.

Mrs. Daughtery stresses the importance in community, and how she has made an active choice in supporting local suppliers of her beverages. Furthermore, she tells us that her sister, Rose, who owns Schaefer Groceries, is her supplier for all fruit used in her drinks.

The Lonely Dove is a pub open for everyone regardless of their walk of life or taste in drinks, and while our reporter and Mrs. Daughtery both agree upon their favourite being a good, well aged whiskey, she invites our readers to come and try their Lustful Maiden.

Article by Caspian Douglas

Tavola Calda Raid by HSI|ICE and federal agents.

The Telegraph has spoken to ASAC (Assistant Special Agent in Charge) Alex Smith, who was in charge of the operation on Saturday the 30th last month where one male suspect was apprehended and charged, and one female declared dead at the scene.


The operation was a coordinated project between HSI and Federal agents who carried out a warranted raid on behalf of the U.S Attorney after undercover operatives filmed large quantities of illegal narcotics being transported to, stored, distributed and produced inside that very establishment.

According to Special agent Smith, Mr. Rodriquez is being charged with a slew of offences, he has been criminally deported from the U.S three times by ICE and will now be housed at a federal prison for the foreseeable future. His primary charges are for distribution, sale, and possession with intent to distribute a controlled substance. Found on the location was: Crack cocaine, various opiates and meth.

Agent Smith goes on to explain that the point [of the operation] is to have autonomy over local law enforcement to prevent interference, like we see in other sanctuary cities. The raid is carried out in connection with a wider goal of cleaning up Clifton Forge. He explains that “We have our eye right now on several other local establishments to take customs enforcement action on, in accordance with U.S law. Clifton Forge is a relatively small city, but it is ridden with crime and corruption and /that/ is why we’re here in this tiny little town.”

The special agent tells our reporter that his bosses at D.C, and himself believe leaders of local law enforcement in CF have been asleep at the wheel, and claims that they are here to fix up the mess. However the agent explains further that he doesn’t view their actions as going above local law enforcements [heads], but that they came to the decision not to include them since Pedro Rodriquez, illegal immigrant and owner of the restaurant, was going to be standing federal charges.

At the end of the day HSI’s presence here is intended to return this beautiful city back to it’s quiet and calming roots, and to rid the city of people like Mr. Rodriquez who, in agent Smith’s words, preyed upon the fact that this city is seemingly too small to be on the federal radar; which he assures us is the farthest thing from the truth. In fact, he informs us, “We have our eye right now on several other local establishments to take customs enforcement action on, in accordance with U.S law. Clifton Forge is a relatively small city, but it is ridden with crime and corruption and /that/ is why we’re here in this tiny little town.”

When asked whether HSI had taken measures to ensure the safety of the public, agent Smith tells our reporter that since there had been no reported sightings of weapons on the premises from their undercover operatives they had no inclination there would be a firefight. To a later question, he did however respond that they deployed an armored vehicle which served as a ballistic protection device which shielded the adjacent hotel. Furthermore, when questioned, the agent admitted to not having been aware there would be a job fair going at the same time, only a block away.

When pressed further on questions regarding the safety of the general public in relation to these crimes special agent Smith tells our reporter that “We are unsure at this time the impact that Mr. Rodriquez has made on the local drug dealing market; and parents should always check in with their teens and educate them on the dangers of drugs and controlled substances. We are working closely with the DEA to monitor the ongoing situation.”

“We are investigating and will actively combat or prevent any form of retaliation. I would say crime is definitely on the rise […]The public should not be worried, the thing with organized crime is it’s not a matter of if they get caught, it is when. My agency has a plethora of resources in it’s arsenal; and D.C has given me complete autonomy to clean up this city. So, any criminal who wishes to continue to operate inside of Clifton Forge consider this your warning. Clifton Forge will no longer be a safe haven for crime because at the end of the day we have a blank check for funding, and we will always win.”

Article by Caspian Douglas

Reviews From Movieland

Alright, while slightly under the weather, this week, I watched quite a bit of things. From older to newer, I distracted my aching self from my woes with the brilliance that “Hollywood” had to offer.

First up, lets go ahead and hit the romantic side of things…

The Kissing Booth

A Netflix original movie, it depicts what happens when a female (Elle) and male (Lee) best friend duo has to endure the female of the pair falling for the male’s older and mega-hot high school legend brother (Noah). And what happens when she’s face to face with this long-time crush of hers when she’s co-hosting the kissing booth.

An adorable film that even brings back the high school era legend of Molly Ringwald. Sweet, funny and relatable while giving you that just over the edge feel. Quirky and silly while making you awww away the time as you see the love story develop, change and pull you along the way.

If you want a feel-good chick flick that’ll make you giggle, watch The Kissing Booth. Plus! Part two comes out this summer!



Second, how about something with a bit more action…

Nerve

A wild ride of a flick that shows just how far a game of truth or dare, only without the truth portion, can go when it’s made into a phone app and allows it’s participants an anonymous status.

Vee is that typical mousy high schooler that has her sights more on her future than her present, flanked (in her small group of friends) by the adoring best guy friend (Tommy), hovering mother and outlandish and overshadowing best friend (Sydney).

Upon trying too hard to push Vee into what Sydney thinks is being more fun, Vee decides, on a whim, to join her bestie in being a player instead of a watcher in the high stakes game of Nerve. Only, she soon finds out how high of stakes things will get. You know… because… snitches get stitches!

A def must-see. One I personally saw 5 times in the theater and countless times on disc and digitally. Fun, funny, action packed. Oh, and don’t forget about the Wu-tang Clan lyrics!

The Vampire of Hollywood Cemetery

Richmond, Virginia – Hollywood cemetery

Somewhere in the infamous cemetery is a mausoleum.

Etched into the stone at the entrance is the name W. W. Pool dated 1913.

Inside this tomb is what people in the area believe to be the remains of a vampire.

The story? Pool was run out of england in the 1800’s for… well? Being a vampire.

This fantastically creepy story has been floating around since the collapse of Richmond’s Church Hill Tunnel in 1925.

When the tunnel collapsed, several workers were tragically buried alive in the rubble.

As legend would have it, people described a bloody figure with pointed teeth and skin hanging from its bones emerging from the wreckage. The being was seen running towards the James River. Some onlookers went after the figure and pursued until it disappeared into the mausoleum of W.W. Pool in the Hollywood Cemetery.

Research into the Vampire legend revealed that one survivor did manage to escape the deadly cave-in., His name was Benjamin Mosby, a 28-year old firefighter who had been shoveling coal in the tunnel when it collapsed. He was badly burned with broken teeth when he escaped the ruins and later died from his injuries in a local hospital.

“Facts” haven’t stopped the legend though. People still flock to the location and Hollywood Cemetery is still a favorite haunt for ghost hunters.

Boosting Your Stamina – The Natural Way

It’s true when they say, “you are what you eat.” If you have bad diet, filled with nasty fried foods and greasy burgers, your whole body (include your genitals) will not perform at peak levels. If you want to be a better lover, and really rock their world, start in the kitchen.

The right foods can not only turn you into a better lover, but they can also make you last longer in bed. Eating the right kinds of food raises your testosterone, increases blood flow, raises nitric oxide levels and a variety of other bodily reactions that help you perform better.

Read through thoroughly. Some of these are best for men. Some are best for women. And some have benefits for both!

So, get your grocery lists and recipe books handy. You won’t want to forget to add these foods to your meals from now on!

☞ Oysters

Oysters are one of the greatest natural testosterone boosters in the world. They are full of zinc, which is one of the building blocks of testosterone (It’s also a great supplement for lasting longer) The opposite is true, too. If you eat a lot of soy and burgers, you lower your testosterone, lose circulation, and, for the guys, end up with a limp dick (or worse, premature ejaculation).

Oysters have another awesome side effect besides boosting your testosterone (and thus allowing you to last longer). Because they are so full of zinc, they also increase your sperm volume and give you the ability to shoot sperm. Now, you don’t need to eat buckets or anything – eating just a few of them will suffice.

Oysters are brimming with zinc, a mineral that elevates testosterone while simultaneously boosting growth factor hormone—both of which enhance muscle growth and physical performance (in and out of the bedroom). Research has also shown deficiencies in zinc to be a risk factor for infertility caused by low testosterone levels.

☞ Salmon

Not only is salmon great for your brain (because of the omega 3 fatty acids), it’s also great for your penis. It contains L-arginine, which is an amino acid that acts like a natural Viagra. Eating salmon is much better than taking the little blue pill just to get an erection.

Cook salmon and pair it with other superfoods. One blogger says he likes to cook the salmon on the grill, then squeeze some lemon on it, and serve it over quinoa. This combination is packed with antioxidants and vitamins, and is also, as he says, delicious. He suggests you test this recipe out on your next date night.

☞ Pineapple

Eating any kind of fruit or vegetable is great for you because they unclog your arteries and improve blood flow to your genitals. This, in turn, for men, allows you to last longer in bed and have better, stronger erections. Fruits and vegetables are essential if you want to be healthy enough to last long in bed.

Where the pineapple really shines is the effect it has on your sperm’s taste. In short, it makes it sweet.

☞ Garlic

It’s not just useful for defending yourself against vampires. (Haha, just kidding.) Garlic contains allicin, which is a compound that increases testosterone and burns fat. In fact, it’s so useful in increasing testosterone that bodybuilders use it to promote muscle growth.

Now, you don’t need to be a bodybuilder to enjoy the benefits of higher testosterone and increased sexual stamina that garlic will bring you. If you don’t want to eat garlic by the clove, you can get garlic extract from a nutrition shop for just a few dollars.

According to historians, ancient Egyptians used garlic to boost their stamina. While they didn’t have modern day science to confirm that it actually worked, they were most certainly onto something. Researchers have confirmed that consuming the plant helps stop the formation of new fatty deposits, called nanoplaques, inside arterial walls. Yes, that includes the arteries leading to your genitals, too.

Keep your heart healthy and your erections strong by adding some of the kitchen staple to your weekly dishes. Bear in mind though, garlic won’t make your breath smell particularly seductive. So, keep it out of your date-night diet or have breath freshening items handy. Or… date someone that loves it as much as you do.

☞ Pomegranate

In a recent study, scientists found out that drinking pure pomegranate juice for two weeks increased testosterone levels in male subjects by as high as 24%. So, adding a daily pomegranate to your diet seems like a smart thing to do.

You know what they say: A pomegranate a day keeps premature ejaculation away.

Not to mention that pomegranate juice is delicious. You can even feed your partner seeds by hand to combine feeding and foreplay.

☞ Grass Fed Steaks

Hands down, steak is one of the best foods for increasing testosterone. Think about the last time you saw a man eating steak, did he look more like James Bond or Kevin James? Just thinking about a nice bloody steak makes my testosterone go up.

So why steak, and why grass fed steak?

First of all, steak is high in saturated fats. Why do we want saturated fats, I thought they were gross? Cholesterol. I know that doctors are on the anti-cholesterol wagon right now, but their efforts are completely misdirected.The truth is that unhealthy foods like sugar, fried chicken, and these other foods will hurt your performance more than cholesterol.

One blogger said, “I consulted one of my scientist friends, and he said that cholesterol is actually necessary for the production of testosterone.” So, more steak, more saturated fat, more cholesterol, more testosterone. Winning.

If you want to make sure your steaks are healthy and contain good fats, make sure you eat grass fed steaks. All the bad fats and pollutants from farming are actually from the livestock feed, not the cow itself. You might ask, what do non-grass fed cows eat?

Normal cows eat corn and soy. Both of these are highly estrogen based and contain many pollutants, which are passed onto you. Avoid corn and soy by eating grass fed steaks.

If your crazy-busy schedule is to blame for your lack of libido, you’re not alone. “One of the primary reasons couples stop having sex is because they’re tired, fatigued and stressed. But sometimes, there’s a biological component at play,” says Nelson. One of the causes of fatigue in women is iron deficiency. The condition can sap energy, which may result in a low sex drive, explains Nelson. Bjork concurs, adding, “Iron deficiency is common and can result in feelings of exhaustion, weakness and irritability, which doesn’t make anyone feel like getting intimate.”

☞ Broccoli

Broccoli is special first of all, because it’s high in fiber. Fiber will aid your digestion and make everything run smoothly.

The real reason broccoli made this list isn’t fiber, it’s indole-3-carbinol (try to say that three times fast). Indole-3-carbinol (I3C for short) is a chemical found only in broccoli, cabbage, and cauliflower, and has been found in multiple studies to decrease estrogen in males of all ages.

If you don’t like eating broccoli, here’s Big Mike’s secret recipe:

Broccoli + Cheese = Delicious

Make some broccoli, then put cheese on top. Melt the cheese in the oven or microwave, sprinkle salt, pepper, and maybe some spicy seasoning, and enjoy.

Cheese is also high in Vitamin K and Zinc, so it’s a win win. Just make sure you use cheddar cheese and not American singles. Those processed slices are filled with preservatives and estrogens, so it defeats the purpose of the broccoli.

☞ Eggs

Make sure you eat the yolk.

Why?

Well it’s full of:

Vitamin D
Saturated Fat
Zinc, choline, selenium
Complete protein
Iodine

…those are all good things.

Protip: chop up some broccoli, mix it with cheese and eggs for a testosterone scramble.

☞ Spinach

Turns out Popeye was right – if you want big muscles, you gotta eat your spinach. The main reason spinach is so powerful is because of magnesium. Magnesium is a necessary mineral that powers hundreds of the body’s biological processes. You could supplement, or just eat spinach.

1 cup of spinach (which really isn’t that much) contains about 160mg of magnesium. This is the equivalent of one or two magnesium supplement pills, just from spinach. Ditch the pills and get back to eating spinach.

Spinach is great for lasting longer because the magnesium help you sleep. When you sleep better, your mood is better, and your body performs at a much higher level. All of this combines to make you last longer in bed.

Come to think of it, Popeye and Olive Oyl were always chasing one another around. Eating spinach puts you in the mood by increasing blood flow below the belt. “Spinach is rich in magnesium, a mineral that decreases inflammation in blood vessels, increasing blood flow,” explains Cassie Bjork, RD, LD of Healthy Simple Life. “Increased blood flow drives blood to the extremities, which, like Viagra, can increase arousal and make sex more pleasurable,” says psychotherapist and sex expert Tammy Nelson Ph.D. “Women will find it is easier to have an orgasm, and men will find that erections come more naturally.”

☞ Dark Chocolate

Chocolate increases both serotonin and dopamine levels in the brain, making us happy and lowering our stress level. These being “mood”… boosters if you know what we mean. Cocoa also increases blood flow through the arteries and relaxes blood vessels, sending blood throughout your body… including your genitals.

Serotonin and dopamine are the chemicals released in the brain that are… well? Basically? They’re your own built-in happy drugs. Truth be told, they’re what actual drugs trigger for your highs.

☞ Peppers

The hotter they are, the better. Hot peppers increase your metabolism and stimulate endorphins, making you sweat, plumping your lips, and speeding up your heart rate. That gets the blood flowing to all the essential areas. The net result? Better sex and a more memorable finale.

*Note: If you are going to handle peppers, prepare and touch with gloves. And no matter what you do, do NOT lay any skin or glove you’ve allow to come into contact with the pepper to touch your genitals or other sensitive areas. The oils in peppers cause severe burning. That is… unless you’re into that sort of thing.

☞ Green Tea

The secret to a healthier life and a hotter nightlife starts with a hot cup of tea. Green tea is rich in compounds called catechins, which have been shown to blast away belly fat and speed the liver’s capacity for turning fat into energy.

But that’s not all: Catechins also boost desire by promoting blood flow to your genitals. “Catechins kill off free radicals that damage and inflame blood vessels, increasing their ability to transport blood,” says Bjork. “Catechins also cause blood vessel cells to release nitric oxide, which increases the size of the blood vessels, leading to improved blood flow,” she explains.

You can make the most of the benefits from green tea with what many people call The 7-Day Flat-Belly Tea Cleanse! Test panelists lost up to 10 pounds in one week!

☞ Ginger

ginger root and powder

If you like your food like you like your lovers, sweet and spicy, you’re in luck. Ginger is another food that can improve your sex life by aiding blood flow and improving artery health. According to a study in the International Journal of Cardiology, consuming a mere teaspoon of the stuff a few times a week is all you need to reap the heart-healthy benefits. So go ahead and place that second order of sushi this week—just don’t leave the ginger on your plate.

☞ Pumpkin Seeds

That Pumpkin Spice Latte may be on your mind first thing in the morning, but before bedtime, getting some sustenance from a real pumpkin might lift your spirits more effectively. In fact, pumpkin seeds are like crunchy little nuggets of Prozac. They’re one of the best food sources of an amino acid known as tryptophan, which helps the production of serotonin in your brain. Antidepressants help the brain to circulate serotonin, so if you’re taking them now, these little pumpkin pick-me-ups may make them even more effective. They’re also one of these 50 Best-Ever Snacks for Weight Loss!

☞ Bananas

Bananas are one of the top sources of potassium, which helps to counteract the effects of foods high in sodium. Salty foods can not only diminish blood flow to the genitals, which can make it more difficult to reach orgasm, but they can also make you bloated. And we all know how feeling bloated can make you feel on an emotional level… and how emotions can effect your performance.

☞ Potatoes

Whether they’re the white or the sweet variety, potatoes are a great source of potassium as well. This nutrient counteracts salt’s bloating effects and boosts circulation, which can help you look better in bed and also boost your bedroom pleasure. It can also improve your mood. Studies have linked low potassium levels with depression.

☞ Fatty Fish

It’s no secret that oily coldwater fish like wild salmon, sardines, and tuna are overflowing with omega-3 fatty acids, but here’s something you may not know: The nutrient not only benefits your heart but also raises dopamine levels in the brain. This spike in dopamine improves circulation and blood flow, triggering arousal, Bjork and Nelson explain.

There’s more: “Dopamine will make you feel more relaxed and connected to your partner, which makes sex more fun,” adds Nelson. Just make sure you buy the right kind!

☞ Coffee

It turns out all those Starbucks daters may be on to something—coffee may just be the best libido booster around. It contains a stimulant that has been shown (in animal studies) to put females in the mood.

☞ Red Wine

If you’re looking for a way to simultaneously boost your libido and calm those pre-date jitters, pour yourself a glass of red wine. Women who drank one to two glasses of these fermented grapes had heightened sexual desire compared to ladies who didn’t. Just be sure to cut yourself off before you get too tipsy.

What makes the elixir so beneficial is a rich antioxidant profile that triggers nitric oxide production in the blood, which relaxes artery walls. As with many of the foods on this list, that increases blood flow down south.

☞ Watermelon

Wind down your date with watermelon. Watermelon has even more lycopene than tomatoes, and lycopene rivals Viagra in its ability to relax blood vessels and improve circulation to certain, ahem, areas of the body.

☞ Blueberries

Blueberries make things harder, but in a good way. According to a joint study from the University of East Anglia and Harvard University, eating flavonoid-rich foods is associated with a reduced risk of erectile dysfunction in men. Of the six main types of flavonoids, three in particular—anthocyanins (found in blueberries), flavanones and flavones (both found in citrus fruits)—offer the greatest benefits in preventing ED.

☞ Shelled pistachios

Here’s how nuts can boost sexual stamina: Pistachios, peanuts, and walnuts all contain the amino acid L-arginine, which is one of the building blocks of nitric oxide—a naturally occurring gas that helps guys maintain their erections. Plus, nuts also help reduce cholesterol levels. The less cholesterol you have in your system, the easier it is for blood to circulate throughout your body and down to your penis, which can help you maintain a firmer erection longer.

Now, I know I mentioned having cholesterol earlier is a good thing. Yes… be sure you know the difference between good and bad cholesterol. And know your levels. You want a healthy level of good cholesterol. For clarification, be sure to ask our physician.

☞ Oats

If you want to go long enough to help your date reach the big-O (hint: you should), reach for some oatmeal. The popular breakfast cereal is a good source of l-arginine, an amino acid commonly used to treat erectile dysfunction. Plus, whole grains like oatmeal also help lower cholesterol levels. Having high cholesterol can lead to atherosclerosis, a condition that clogs and narrows arteries, impairing blood flow. This could eventually lead to heart problems, but you’ll likely notice issues below the belt first.

The arteries surrounding the genital area are narrower than coronary blood vessels, so they’re more susceptible to clots. Simply put, the better your cholesterol levels are, the better your erection will be, too!

So, now… don’t all ambush the local grocery store. But be sure that your pantry is stocked when you do go next!