Statement of Support

I am not one to discuss politics, and I generally keep my opinion to myself, but as election day looms I feel a responsibility to share my thoughts with those I have sworn to protect.

As was stated in the your recent interview with mayoral candidate Khuran, I have been in talks with him about policy changes, reform, and the like. This ongoing conversation was made possible because he reached out to me in order to make it happen, so that in the invent he does win the election we are that much closer to getting these things in to place. The other candidate has not even attempted to make contact with me or my office, which I find surprising with him being a former law enforcement officer.

Furthermore, I admire the passion Mr. Khuran displays when discussing the issues he believes so strongly about, and I believe that will translate into a dedication for this city and the community that calls it home. A dedication that equals, if not rivals, my own.

I, Sheriff Max Holden, support Vishaal Khuran for Mayor, and believe that you should, too.

-Statement provided by Sheriff Max Holden

Election special

It is near time for our town to select its new mayor, and the Telegraph’s reporter, Caspian Douglas, has sat down with both mayoral candidates, Vishaal Khuran and Edward J. Carpenter in discussions about their visions for Clifton Forge’s future. 

First out was Mr. Khuran, for the VoteVish Campaing. Vishaal is a young, passionate Ex Marine and receiver of the Purple Heart and Marine Corps Good Conduct medal, currently employed as a Forest Ranger in Clifton Forge. Besides rallies and speeches to promote his campaign, he has also been hosting clean up efforts at the local beach in the name of his campaign slogan “Clean up Clifton Forge.”

The second candidate to sit down with our reporter was Mr Carpenter of the Carpenter 2020 campaign. Edward is a NYPD veteran and former councilman Meza, Arizona. He is currently working as a bartender at the Sip n’ Bite in Clifton Forge. 

Read our separate pieces about both candidates to see how they performed when faced by our reporter’s questions, and then it’s time for you to decide whether to vote for the passionate, ambitious Vishaal, or the strategic and precise Ed.

-Amber Greene

Interview with Vishaal Khuran

The interview took place at the Telegraph office presumably in between two the busy candidate’s many meetings. Vishaal arrived at the Telegraph office in full campaign mode , wearing what looked to be a U.S. Forest Service Forest Ranger outfit with the U.S. Forest Service logo taped over on the left hand side, as well as a number of campaign buttons decorating his uniform. 

He seemed in good spirits, and eagerly set out to answer our reporter’s questions regarding his involvement with the LGBTQIA community, in light of Pride Month that has just passed, and his work for a more sustainable future. Vishal, who revealed himself to be a member of Planet Earth, as well as being an undisclosed part of the queer community expressed that matters regarding both issues were going to be of doubtless import even after having been elected mayor for Clifton Forge. 

But it wasn’t until asked further about his vision for our town’s sustainable future he became really passionate. “I am going to make sure the right incentives are there for people to transition to using renewable resources. I’ll provide subsidies, tax breaks, and we’ll ensure that we update our building codes to require solar panels and wind turbines to offset the need for power from other sources. I also make sure that our local power grid is updated so that it can accept power from alternative sources.” The candidate promised, and went on to urge every citizen as well as businesses in our community and communities across the state to work together so that we can become 100% green.

In making a comparison to Fredericksburg, which has made a commitment to become 100% green by 2035, Mr. Khuran ensures us that he is going to put together a commitment of our own that is both realistic and aggressive, and that if we band together as a community, he believes we can beat Fredericksburg on their date. His first action as mayor, he claims, is going to be to hire a sustainability export. So if any of you readers out there are up for the role, he urges you to get in touch with him. 

He turned once again to our readers to do their bit to make Clifton Forge cleaner, stating that he intends to create a city website with a handbook and a guide on how to become sustainable as well as hosting educational programs aimed at the public. However, he reassures us that although he will need the community’s help in meeting his lofty goals, it is ultimately him that is going to be responsible, and that if the goals aren’t met, he will be out of a job. And he is already aiming high, claiming that his next campaign slogan will be “Keep Clifton Clean” rather than the current one, stating “Cleanup Clifton”.

So there, dear readers, you all have something to hold this candidate accountable for, should he make the position as Mayor. 

The interview started to take a different tone as the subject changed to law enforcement, with the candidate seemingly somewhat losing interest in the topic. But, we will leave it up to you, our readers to decide whether he is right in his opinion that there is nothing out of the ordinary regarding the levels of crime in our city, if compared to any town of a similar size. However, he goes on to inform us that he has been in conversation with the local county sheriff, Mr Max Holden, who has promised to work with him on key reforms. 

We regret to inform our readers that the interview was cut short as the subject went on to equality, as Mr. Khuran began to seem agitated. He did however ensure us that he is committed to ensure that the city employs fifty percent women, and that he already has made a list of those he wishes to work within his own office. He was able to tell us that “In addition to focusing on issues of justice reform, we’re going to be looking closely at issues relating to homelessness and LGBTQIA outreach. We have a hostel and community center in Clifton Forge that is dedicated to helping address these issues but it’s not enough.”

Unfortunately, it seems that the pressure might have finally gotten to the young candidate, as he was barely finished assuring our reporter that he intents to set an example in the way he forms his own office, with a team that represents all walks of life from the community, before he decided to set an end to the interview by throwing the device it was being recorded on onto the floor.

The Telegraph has since tried to reach out to him to inquire about his well being, but has not been able to get a reply that can confirm how he is currently doing. We can only speculate that the busy campaigning schedule is starting to take its toll.

– Caspian Douglas

Interview with Edward J. Carpenter

Our reporter met with Mr. Carpenter at the patio belonging to the renowned Tavola Calda at the candidate’s wishes. His campaign consists of three parts, according to his website, and when asked what he saw as most important of these parts, he admitted to it being Public Safety. The other parts are Infrastructure and the delivery of necessary services, as well as promoting an environment that attracts and retains business.The retired police NYPD officer tells us that for him, “it all ties back into that: If we can give people what they need, good homes, work and a sense of community we are all better for it.”

Seemingly a fairly calm and collected man, at ease with answering the questions coming his way with what appears to be a great volume of data in his mind,  Carpenter is pushing for community policing programs and more training for our local law enforcement, planning to shift those allocated funds from things like tactical swat vehicles to outreach programs, needle exchanges as well as making counselling more available. 

The candidate seemed to take some amusement in our reporter calling his suggested method softer than the ways of policing currently in place, assuming they were being seen as easier. However, for clarification, in this case, softer means friendlier.

He warned that it isn’t going to be an easy change, to enforce his suggested new community policing act. And that it’s likely that people are not going to be happy to answer questions about their race and gender when a sheriff [or police officer] pulls them over. However, he is quick to point out that “It’s necessary to prove in plain english and numbers that people of color are being disproportionately targeted, and those numbers need to be recorded.”

Of course, with what is currently going on in our nation, and has spread across much of the world, our reporter saw it as important to follow up with questions regarding Mr.Carpenter’s plans for our local law enforcement in comparison to the Defund the Police Movement. This is his response: “ I wouldn’t say [it is] part of the movement. We still need law and law enforcement. But yes, I support defunding as a matter of public safety.” He later went on to specify how he wished to see some of the current spending being redirected to organized steering committees for each neighborhood comprised of pro-active residents. In his own words, “sort of a Social Outreach Worker.” 

Although this candidate’s main focus seems to be very much on the law enforcement side of things, as should perhaps be expected of an ex cop, he also shared some intricately detailed plans on his vision for Clifton Forge’s sustainable future, which unfortunately could not all be included in this article to ensure our readers’ attention remain with us. 

“Our environment plays heavily into my plans for supporting our local economy,  Nothing happens without money, and Clifton Forge is one of the most naturally beautiful places I’ve ever seen.” Ed, who is born and raised in New York, seems to have a very economical eye on the environment, and also expresses that his idea is to follow the governor’s lead in moving to green energy as a way to keep our natural spaces pristine and as a way to more effectively deliver Services and goods to our city. 

If elected, he intends to court Dominion Energy and Appalachian Power, in hope that they would consider building one of their new wind farms off our coast, stating he wants our people to benefit from the growth industry and jobs green energy offers.

Of course this sort of plan often comes with worries and questions from the public, one being a concern for the natural beauty of the area. But the mayoral candidate has told our reporter there is no need to worry, comparing the structures that need to be raised to implement his plans for a greener Clifton Forge to that of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, in that people were not in favour of it at first, but that it now is a major tourist attraction. However, we need to point out that the iconic tower was built as an entrance to the Exposition Universelle 1889 and was to be disassembled in 1909. It also never had any intended function besides that of a monument to art and engineering, which we hope isn’t the case with the wind turbines and solar stations the candidate is proposing for our town. 

Again, he points to the benefit for local industry and economics to implement green energy as well as a zero waste policy, claiming it will create more well paying jobs. And, as a last statement regarding his environmental policies, providing the business community buys into his plans, he hopes to be able to go fully green somewhere between 2035 and 2050, and sees that smaller goals, like coming up to emission standards, can be reached as early as 2035. 

And there, dear readers, you have an actual goal to hold Mr. Carpenter to, should you vote him in as the next mayor.

Mr. Carpenter’s social policies seem to heavily tie into those of public safety, and again points to a need for solutions that are indigenous to our neighborhoods and our community. We must bolster the programs we already have in place and give more hands to help. But he also states that to make this part of his scheme work, growth industries like green energy and tourism bring in a much needed cash flow.

The interview had to be cut short in the end, as Mr. Carpenter is a busy man and seemed in a hurry elsewhere. However, the Telegraph did manage to get a hold of him for a few final questions regarding his hiring policies and his stance on lgbtqia questions.

In regards to the queer comunity, he let us know that  “As a bisexual man I am my thought are never far from the protection and rights our community has fought so hard for.. I will always support our community in whatever  way I’m able, we’ve made considerable  strides towards equality. But we’re not done yet. ” And he went on to further claim that he has a fair mix in his campaign team and [that] if he is elected to office I will continue hiring people who can offer perspectives that engender equity.

Our reporter met with Mr. Carpenter at the patio belonging to the renowned Tavola Calda at the candidate’s wishes. His campaign consists of three parts, according to his website, and when asked what he saw as most important of these parts, he admitted to it being Public Safety. The other parts are Infrastructure and the delivery of necessary services, as well as promoting an environment that attracts and retains business.The retired police NYPD officer tells us that for him, “it all ties back into that: If we can give people what they need, good homes, work and a sense of community we are all better for it.”

Seemingly a fairly calm and collected man, at ease with answering the questions coming his way with what appears to be a great volume of data in his mind,  Carpenter is pushing for community policing programs and more training for our local law enforcement, planning to shift those allocated funds from things like tactical swat vehicles to outreach programs, needle exchanges as well as making counselling more available. 

The candidate seemed to take some amusement in our reporter calling his suggested method softer than the ways of policing currently in place, assuming they were being seen as easier. However, for clarification, in this case, softer means friendlier.

He warned that it isn’t going to be an easy change, to enforce his suggested new community policing act. And that it’s likely that people are not going to be happy to answer questions about their race and gender when a sheriff [or police officer] pulls them over. However, he is quick to point out that “It’s necessary to prove in plain english and numbers that people of color are being disproportionately targeted, and those numbers need to be recorded.”

Of course, with what is currently going on in our nation, and has spread across much of the world, our reporter saw it as important to follow up with questions regarding Mr.Carpenter’s plans for our local law enforcement in comparison to the Defund the Police Movement. This is his response: “ I wouldn’t say [it is] part of the movement. We still need law and law enforcement. But yes, I support defunding as a matter of public safety.” He later went on to specify how he wished to see some of the current spending being redirected to organized steering committees for each neighborhood comprised of pro-active residents. In his own words, “sort of a Social Outreach Worker.” 

Although this candidate’s main focus seems to be very much on the law enforcement side of things, as should perhaps be expected of an ex cop, he also shared some intricately detailed plans on his vision for Clifton Forge’s sustainable future, which unfortunately could not all be included in this article to ensure our readers’ attention remain with us. 

“Our environment plays heavily into my plans for supporting our local economy,  Nothing happens without money, and Clifton Forge is one of the most naturally beautiful places I’ve ever seen.” Ed, who is born and raised in New York, seems to have a very economical eye on the environment, and also expresses that his idea is to follow the governor’s lead in moving to green energy as a way to keep our natural spaces pristine and as a way to more effectively deliver Services and goods to our city. 

If elected, he intends to court Dominion Energy and Appalachian Power, in hope that they would consider building one of their new wind farms off our coast, stating he wants our people to benefit from the growth industry and jobs green energy offers.

Of course this sort of plan often comes with worries and questions from the public, one being a concern for the natural beauty of the area. But the mayoral candidate has told our reporter there is no need to worry, comparing the structures that need to be raised to implement his plans for a greener Clifton Forge to that of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, in that people were not in favour of it at first, but that it now is a major tourist attraction. However, we need to point out that the iconic tower was built as an entrance to the Exposition Universelle 1889 and was to be disassembled in 1909. It also never had any intended function besides that of a monument to art and engineering, which we hope isn’t the case with the wind turbines and solar stations the candidate is proposing for our town. 

Again, he points to the benefit for local industry and economics to implement green energy as well as a zero waste policy, claiming it will create more well paying jobs. And, as a last statement regarding his environmental policies, providing the business community buys into his plans, he hopes to be able to go fully green somewhere between 2035 and 2050, and sees that smaller goals, like coming up to emission standards, can be reached as early as 2035. 

And there, dear readers, you have an actual goal to hold Mr. Carpenter to, should you vote him in as the next mayor.

Mr. Carpenter’s social policies seem to heavily tie into those of public safety, and again points to a need for solutions that are indigenous to our neighborhoods and our community. We must bolster the programs we already have in place and give more hands to help. But he also states that to make this part of his scheme work, growth industries like green energy and tourism bring in a much needed cash flow.

The interview had to be cut short in the end, as Mr. Carpenter is a busy man and seemed in a hurry elsewhere. However, the Telegraph did manage to get a hold of him for a few final questions regarding his hiring policies and his stance on lgbtqia questions.

In regards to the queer comunity, he let us know that  “As a bisexual man I am my thought are never far from the protection and rights our community has fought so hard for.. I will always support our community in whatever  way I’m able, we’ve made considerable  strides towards equality. But we’re not done yet. ” And he went on to further claim that he has a fair mix in his campaign team and [that] if he is elected to office I will continue hiring people who can offer perspectives that engender equity.

-Caspian Douglas

Pride Month: A Rainbow Review

Every year, the small town of Clifton Forge comes alive in June for Pride Month. The rainbow splashed over the town, not leaving a single inch untouched. Excited energy could be felt within the air as the town prepared for what would be yet another spectacular Pride Month.

Kicking the celebrations off, the Sip n’ Bite hosted The Magic of Drag, an event that saw the gorgeous Mz. Direction as the hostess. With her sisters, Miss Lolo Lita and Miss Dyana Mite, the trio put on a spectacular show that had the crowd dancing right along with them under the glitter that rained down. The festivities ended with a costume contest that saw Mr. Damon Dark as the winner. Those that were able to catch the show were left with excited energy that certainly came from the drag sisters. Hopefully, we’ll be seeing that trio again soon!

As other local businesses got into the spirit of Pride Month, we were able to see that some were offering special sales, the proceeds going to local charities that help the LGBTQIA2S+ community. Known for its bath bombs and other self-care indulgences, Suds held a month long sale of rainbow products. That crayon box of colors that could be seen on any Pride flag were seen within Suds, the bath bombs highlighting the variety of flags that could be seen during the month.

While some businesses held month long sales as Suds did, others drew the public in, getting them involved. Held at the Rosery, there was a Grow Your Pride event where one could create a rainbow flower bouquet for free. Once putting the gorgeous arrangements together, a picture could then be taken within the photo booth that the Rosery had set up, adding yet another layer of excitement to Pride Month where people could come together and celebrate.

Joining in the local businesses that held events, the Lonely Dove held its own, a thrilling night that saw people wearing their best Pride gear and rainbow jello shots being passed out. Everyone seemed to be in a fantastic mood, partying the night away to the music that pulsed away within the popular pub.

Of course, what would Pride Month be without a Pride festival? At the end of the month, the small town got together, throwing a Pride festival that saw a number of other businesses gathering to participate. With glitter and rainbow colored powder, the party kicked off almost right away. Music from Forge Novus Radio could be heard throughout the festival, people dancing carefree to the tunes that were playing. Local businesses decorated their stalls with splashes of color everywhere. Past the stalls, if one wanted more excitement, they could enter the beer garden which had been sponsored by Douglas Workforce Consulting, Forge Novus Radio, and the Lonely Dove Irish Pub.

The festival seemed to be a huge hit, the entire town seeming to show up to show off all of their colors, celebrating the night away. If this is what Clifton Forge looks like every single Pride Month, then we cannot wait for next year’s celebration!

-Evan Keel

Conflicting views between Clifton Forge’s local law enforcement branches and the HSI

Following our last publication, our reporter was invited to sit down for a chat with Sheriff Max Holden in his office in Clifton Forge regarding the raid of the Tavola Calda some weeks ago. There seems to be a storm brewing between the different law enforcement agencies at work within our fair town, and in this edition of the Telegraph, we are taking a closer look at the issue, as seen from the local Sheriff’s department’s point of view.

Sheriff Holden, who is a happily engaged family man and proud father of a newborn son, is clear to point out from the very beginning of our interview that he is wanting to set the record straight in regards to the raid on the Tavola, as well as the rather sharp criticism his department, as well as the CFPD received from Special Agent Smith in our previous interview with him. He tells us that he considers it “ sad times we’re in when federal agents are throwing local officials under the bus and then using that as a platform to further their careers.” The Sheriff also seems to be questioning the entirety of Agent Smith’s motive, and there is room to speculate whether perhaps the HSI Special Agent is just trying to use our town for his own advancement on the political ladder.

The Sheriff claims, that Special Agent Smith, who was awarded a medal from the President only recently prior to moving to Clifton Forge, for taking down a human trafficking ring in Chicago, had made no attempts to contact his office or arrange any sort of joint operation before the raid. He states that he was not made aware of the agent’s presence in town by other means but by a chance encounter when a civilian, who happens to be an acquaintance to the sheriff himself, was called in for backup by Agent Smith when Sheriff Holden was present. He also states that if this had not been the case, and no contact had been made whatsoever, there was no telling how many dead bodies there would have been as a result.

Sheriff Holden goes on to explain that “I would like to say that I am shocked, but…whether it is HSI or just Agent Smith, from my own experience, civilian lives are just not as important as making the arrest, which is completely backwards from the oath I took.” And as one of those civilians who were present at the scene, and narrowly avoided ending up in the line of fire by escaping into someone’s private garden, our reporter wonders just how worried one needs to be about setting foot on the street with these forces on the move throughout town.

Throughout the interview, it becomes more and more clear that there has been a considerable lack in communication between the different departments and agencies, at least according to our sheriff, who besides our quaint little town is in charge of the department’s operations in our 400 square miles county. Throughout the seemingly insubstantial contact that has been conducted, Holden claims that Smith “never once mentioned he was investigating anyone in town, or that he was planning a raid on any local business” and furthermore adds that the first time he heard of the raid at all was when reading about it in the Telegraph.

He goes on to wonder whether in fact the federal agent is entirely aware of the nature of our town, how it as a community operates, and whether he has understood that the sheriff’s attention is also required outside of city limits, especially since the population boom has led to the forming of the CFPD. He lets us know that when he joined the department, they were the sole operating force, and there was very little crime in the area with no dead bodies to speak of besides those that can be attributed to wild animal attacks. But with the recent increase in population, and the rise in crime that has come with it, the picture is rather different. So different, in fact, that Sheriff Holden, who had planned to resign in order to spend more time with his young family, does not feel able to do so. He tells us his “plans have been put on hold until he knows that this community is safe” and that “I will always do my best to protect those in my charge, even if it is against others who took the same oath I did. I live here in Clifton Forge, with my fiance and we have a newborn son. I am deeply entrenched in this community, unlike these federal agents[…]This is my home.”

To end our interview with Sheriff Holden, he wants to make it clear that he doesn’t know that big crime has in fact arrived in Clifton Forge, as Agent Smith Claims, but that the spike in recent crime can be put down to growing pains from an increased population. Furthermore, he believes the solution to the situation is better cooperation between branches of law enforcement, and he himself intends to try and reopen, as well as strengthen the lines of communication between his own department and the CFPD, to unify them in protecting the town and its residents.

Last but not least he has this parting statement for our readers:

“I urge the citizens of Clifton Forge to not fall into the trap of fear mongers, and remind them that they are our number one resource in fighting any crime in our city. As a community we can make our city safer, cleaner, happier[…] We just have to work together and that starts with them. If you see something, say something.”

Article by
Caspian Douglas

The Madman of Bunnyman Lore

1904, buses were transporting inmates from a recently closed asylum prison in Clifton to a new facility. However, this trip would be anything but smooth as they passed through Fairfax when one bus overturned, killing most of it’s passengers instantly.

However, 10 escaped.

All but two of those escapees were rounded up. The two that were never recovered were Douglas J. Grifon and Marcus Wallster.

And thus began over a century of stories that have both marred and intrigued people in and around the Clifton and Fairfax areas.

Several versions of this teeming folklore have surfaced. Some say that there’s been a man that dresses up in a human sized bunny suit and harasses people who park on the side of the road near the Bunnyman Bridge, calling them trespassers and threatening them with hatchets, chainsaws and axes. Some say that one off the escapees lives in the forest there, mutilating and living off bunny kills, hanging their remains in the trees and looking to avenge his murdered wife and children. A man who, when provoked by thrill seekers or taunting teenagers, will kill and hang the bodies off the bridge.

These stories have garnered the area a reputation. One that has been featured in various newspapers, on a variety of television shows and in many, many web sites featuring tall tales.

Mixed reports find an alarming amount of horrific murders in the area. Many are linked to a variety of Bunnyman stories.

This reporter can not help but wonder if this isn’t a situation where one lore is made up of a frenzy of terror in one area.

Reviews from Movieland

It’s that time of the week again. The day where I reflect on all of the cinematic joy that’s graced my screen. And some not so joyful.

This week, I have a couple of flicks that I’d love to tell you all about!

First, let’s talk romance.

The Choice

Nicholas Sparks is well known for his books. But he’s almost more known for their adaptation to film. And this one delivers better than most.

At first, our main characters don’t like each other. She’s moved into the lake house next door in order to study and focus on her career. He has a fun loving group of friends and family that visit often and love to enjoy life on the lake. Two lifestyles that clash despite their instant attraction for one another.

As he says throughout the movie, “You both me.”

Her sentiment of him? Well, she has a few more choice words. As does her fiance.

But when the universe continues to bring these two together, their attraction becomes undeniable.

This movie shows you that, in life, we face so many choices. Some more difficult than others. And some are life or death.

Now, for the action.

Timeline

With a cast like Gerard Butler, Billy Connolly, Paul Walker, Frances O’Connor, Anna Friel, Michael Sheen and Ethan Embry, you can almost excuse the casting oopsie of Neil McDonough in this high stakes time travel, action flick.

An archaeologist finds himself teamed up with a group of scientists, working on a secret project. But when that project ends up being the accidental discovery of time travel, things get all too real for the group as they’re sent back to retrieve one of their own.

Admittedly, there’s some lackluster fight scenes and a few weak and missing plot line points. But this movie is entertaining and lively. The race to get them all back before their time is up keeps the action going as they fumble their way through 12th century France in the middle of a war.

Ask Sunday

Welcome back readers! And happy middle of June! I’m excited to come back to my desk to find some great little insights into the issues that plague our beautiful little town. Ones you’ve graciously… or needyly… have brought to me, seeking answers and advice.

►Want to seek advice from Ask Sunday? Contact Faeryn Murphy (TheresaHerondale)◄

So… shall we?

╔═.✍ .══════════╗
Dear Ask Sunday,
╚══════════.✍ .═╝
My boyfriend likes to dress up in a very realistic wolf costume and run around our lawn at night. He refuses to respond to me when he’s in that costume, just barks, growls and howls. It bothers me and makes me feel like maybe he needs help. What should I do?
Signed,
Reluctant Zoo Keeper
~~~{Your reply}~~~
Dear Reluctant Zoo Keeper,
Well, we all have our little fetishes, huh? Just how realistic is this costume? And if it’s truly realistic, what are they doing? A comic con or something? Cosplay of some sort? There’s talk about a comic con coming to Virginia, I’m sure. Maybe talk to them about joining. It’s possible that even bringing it up while they’re wearing it might break character enough for them to talk to you in the future as well. If not, contact the Clifton Forge clinic and see if they’ve opened that psych ward up yet. He might be in need of some therapy.
❥Ask Sunday

╔═.✍ .══════════╗
Dear Ask Sunday,
╚══════════.✍ .═╝
I really like this woman I keep seeing around town. I’m just not quite sure how to approach her about it. Sometimes we chat, and when we do, she seems interested, but it never goes beyond chatting. I even got her number while talking innocently about a new business opening up. Should I just skip the formalities and send her a dick pic?
Signed,
Snaps
~~~{Your Reply}~~~
Dear Snaps,
I am refraining from laughing. Okay… to be honest? I’m laughing. Pardon me here, but are you serious? Or are you too young to be writing in to me? In other words? No. Do not send a dick pic. You could approach her like a normal person and just ask her out. But if your mind goes to dick pic first, you might want to just leave her be and maybe read some articles on how to be smooth with women.
❥Ask Sunday

╔═.✍ .══════════╗
Dear Ask Sunday,
╚══════════.✍ .═╝
Things have been a little bit slow moving in the bathroom department of our house this last week, it’s been getting very backed up and painful. My boyfriend told me that the best cure for this was anal sex, after a lot of discussion he finally talked me into giving it a go, things were getting pretty desperate so it was worth a try. We got naked and I got on all fours, thankfully remembered the golden rule about lube, it was tight and uncomfortable and after he was done I felt pretty raw and it’s been sore to sit down. He text me this morning and asked if we can try it again because he is still constipated! What should I do?
Yours,
Stretched and Raw
~~~{Your reply}~~~
Dear Stretched and Raw,
Constipation can be one of those problems that stops you in your tracks. Literally…. stopping your tracks. Okay, okay… moving on. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is trying to grasp at anything and everything to get things moving again. I bet he’s been speaking to that crazy haired, smells like patchouli, pretty sure they did far too much acid fairly recently kind of person who is always ready to spout out cures and treatments faster than the quack you paid through the nose for just to find out you simply needed some Cortisol cream to help that rash you had on your butt the week before. I say try it again… once. If he’s not breaking free by then? Tell him to stop hanging out at Whole Paychecks and read a medical journal.
❥Ask Sunday